Sample chapter from
CareerAbility: Skills You Need to Succeed in the 21st Century
How assertive are you?
Gillian, an executive assistant, is meeting with her manager, Peggy. Peggy says, "I'd like your opinion about something, Gillian. As you know, we were in a difficult situation a few weeks ago when our office manager resigned unexpectedly. I don't know how we would have managed if Sharon hadn't volunteered to take on that responsibility temporarily. Now I'll tell you confidentially that Sharon has submitted a formal application for the position. She's kept things running smoothly, and I'm thinking of hiring her permanently for the job. I think she'd be a great office manager. Don't you agree?"
"Well, uh," stammers Gillian. She thinks, "Sure Sharon's done a great job of keeping the managers happy. But all the support staff, including me, are ready to quit. All she's done is issue orders, dump work on the rest of us, and generally throw her weight around. I think she'd be a disaster as an office manager, but how can I tell Peggy without contradicting her judgment as a manager?"
As children, many of us were admonished to “be nice” and to not “talk back” to others, especially those who were in positions of authority. As a result, we may have become adults who, like Gillian in the example above, have a hard time speaking up and offering our views, especially when they are in conflict with others' opinions. The idea of actually working at developing an assertive communication style first became popular in the 1960s and 1970s. A multitude of books and training programs appeared on the market in response to people’s desire to learn how to stand up for themselves. Despite how far we've come, assertiveness training workshops continue to be popular. The classic book Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons (Impact Publishers, Inc.) which was first released in 1970 was reprinted for the eighth time in 2001, attesting to the fact that many of us still have trouble stating our opinions and asking for what we want clearly and assertively.
When you have trouble being assertive, you may find your needs being pushed aside and your views ignored. You might be easily taken advantage of because you can't say "no," and may gain a reputation as being pushover. Why is this such a big problem? Isn't it a good thing to be nice and well-liked at the office?
While it's important to develop good relationships, most employers today want team members who can hold their own and aren't afraid to speak up. In Gillian's case, she has vital information that her manager needs to know before making a crucial decision. Honestly saying what’s on your mind may not be an easy thing to do, but in most situations, it’s the right thing to do. Here are some suggestions for developing a more assertive style:
- Start with low-risk situations. If speaking up assertively is hard for you, start developing your skills in this area by choosing an easy situation in which to practice. Promise yourself that the next time someone asks to cut in line in front of you, you'll say, "Sorry, I'm in a hurry too." Practice saying it out loud a few times. Whenever you stand in a line-up, imagine someone trying to cut in and see yourself giving your assertive response. When you feel you've mastered that situation, choose another, more difficult, situation to deal with, and follow the same process until you have developed your ability to express yourself assertively in situations that used to give you trouble.
- Express yourself confidently. Be direct when asking questions and presenting ideas. Don't undermine yourself by starting off with qualifiers such as “It's only my opinion, but...” or “I’m sorry to bother you with this.” Eliminate unnecessary fillers like "um" and "you know" which only cause you to sound hesitant and unsure of yourself. In addition, be careful about making statements sound like questions (as in, "My name is Mary Jones?"). Ensure that you end statements with a downward inflection rather than an upward one.
- Plan your approach. If you feel hesitant about expressing your opinion in a certain situation, ask for some time to think about the matter rather than stammering your way through it and sounding unassertive. Plan your approach by writing down the main points you want to make and practice saying them out loud. While you aren't going to read from cue cards when you talk with others, writing down your key points will make it easier for you to remember what you want to say.
- Politely stick to your guns. If you express your opinion and know you are right, don't cave in to others in the interests of keeping the peace. While there may be some situations in which it's appropriate to concede to the wishes of others (for more on this, see chapter 7 on conflict management), use the “rephrase and repeat” technique to reinforce your own views while acknowledging the other person's right to hold a different opinion. ("I understand you would like to hire Sharon for the office manager position. However, I have some concerns about how she has handled the role so far.") When people are focused on their own views, they don't always hear other opinions at first. If necessary, re-state your position a couple of times using different words until the other person gets a clear message about your opinion. ("I feel that Sharon may not be the best person for the job.") Once you get some acknowledgement that your view has been heard, you can begin to have a discussion with the other person (see chapter 7 for more on negotiating disagreements).
- Ask for what you want. Avoid dropping hints or making indirect requests. Don't assume that others, even people you are close to, will read your mind. Express your opinion, then follow it up with a clear statement about what you want. ("I would like to see the office manager job advertised so that we can consider a few good applicants before making a final decision.")
- Ensure that your non-verbal behavior supports your message. Gestures such as fidgeting, crossing your arms, looking down while you are speaking, and placing your hand over your mouth suggest that you don’t feel confident about what you are saying. In addition, be careful about nodding if you don't agree with what others are saying. Although nodding is a useful tactic for encouraging others to keep talking in conversation, it can be counterproductive in situations where you are trying to assertively express a difference of opinion.
- Consider taking an assertiveness program if you just can't imagine following any of the suggestions in this chapter. For some people, difficulty with speaking up is tied to other issues such as poor self esteem. These kinds of concerns can't be resolved by simply reading a book on the subject. You will be better able to make changes in your behavior if you work with an assertiveness training group that runs over a period of a few weeks, giving you a chance to practice assertive behavior in a safe environment. Check with local companies or school boards that run seminars in your area to see if they offer an assertiveness training program.
©2006 by Diane Moore. All rights reserved.